Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." --Anais Nin
"The poet or the revolutionary is there to articulate the necessity, but until the people themselves apprehend it, nothing can happen ... Perhaps it can't be done without the poet, but it certainly can't be done without the people. The poet and the people get on generally very badly, and yet they need each other. The poet knows it sooner than the people do. The people usually know it after the poet is dead; but that's all right. The point is to get your work done, and your work is to change the world." --James Baldwin
Saturday, February 13, 2010
my heart is heavy.
so many thoughts, feelings
compromised emotions, and forbidden fears have appeared
nestled itself at the forefront of my consciousness.
i have yet to make sense of it all.
i have yet to understand the
the heaviness of this
more than just weight and pain
upon, throughout, encompassing me,
i bleed publicly and no one cares to ask why.
no one cared,
and so i bled privately.
behind the public faces
behind the mask and walls, my strong face
pain courses through these veins
and now intercourse with my
their offspring is
fear is my companion, my best friend.
i fear all that was to give me support,
i fear the words of loved ones,
i fear, love.
i fear, myself.
and as much as i tell others and tell myself
i fear that i simply do not know the self which stares back at me.
who am i?
i am a ball of confusion
no one wants to see. this.
no one wants the truth,
and so i remain behind by facade
i keep hidden
so that the others will see and find solace
in the lies i have fashioned into their
Friday, February 12, 2010
i am afraid.
i live in fear.
fear has become my roommate, my companion.
before i was terrified of naming it,
but what is the use of lying,
pretending that what is there isn't.
what is the use?
i fear that i will be like the women in my family
women who give so much of themselves to others,
who are successful, but
are women without love.
i fear that i will become like them
be left alone.
i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to endure life with walls surrounding
and no one willing nor capable to penetrate them.
i fear that i am not good enough,
that i am insufficient,
that i lack,
that i will never be the one
that is chosen.
that is loved.
(feel the need to repost this. its words are ringing true right now..)
these words are inadequate
thoughts are meaningless
for they fail to grasp the
entirety of my emotions for
all i seem to do is contemplate on the
could have beens
supposed connection which lies between us two
which seems to only exist in my mind
what am i to make of the engaged-in conversations
when we share the space alone?
how am i to explain away
the way you can see and know me
without an exchange of words?
what am i to make of your touch
the way you caressed more than my face
as we explored that forbidden kiss?
my dot dot dot
my question mark
are not mine.
with each passing day i
make attempts at forgetting you
to erase images from my subconscious mind
and conscious being
yet all that i am capable of is creating new ones
fabricating various play by plays of places that we travel to
and names we call our children
destines that await us...
now with eyes wide open
i am reminded that
are not mine
chose not me
love another each night
a we could never be
i am forever lost in the
dot dot dot.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"I felt that even when they were polite they hardly saw me, that they would have begged the pardon of Jack the Bear, never glancing his way if the bear happened to be walking along minding his business. It was confusing. I did not know if it was desirable or undesirable..."
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
"I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; not am i one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone fiber and liquids-and I might even be said to posses a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me."
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man